I’m feeling the pull of life in so many directions these days… I feel the pull of my career sending me in so many different ways. I feel the pull of my children who need my time, attention, love and guidance. I feel the pull of my students who are looking for assistance and knowledge. I feel the pull of my husband who deserves my attention more than I give. (Can someone say “date night?”) A warm day calls me outside to go for a run. Kid activities force me out of the newsroom fast enough to take them to swimming, soccer, dance, guitar, piano…

Nap please!

The give and take is hitting me hard lately. I love the many incredible worlds I am in – journalism, social media, parenting, advocacy, special needs… But things have a give and take. The first thing I’ve allowed to give is sleep. I average five hours. I need to change that. We often eat quick meals – but I try really hard for fresh food. My house is tidy at times, but there’s a lot of dust and I can’t keep up with the dog hair. I’d love to find a Roomba to fix that. I put the kids to bed each night… And it just seems to take longer than I’d like. But I choose to take time I’d spend on this site or work or making new connections to cuddle and read and chat right before bed.

My give and take has been really intense lately. I don’t want to stop anything I’m doing… but I also realize I can’t keep up with this pace. People tell me “I don’t know how you do it” all of the time. And to be honest, I think I’ve hit my “I can do it” wall. The problem is I don’t know what to remove to lighten my load. So I’m planning to spend some time thinking and plotting about bringing my sanity back. I’m going to build a mind map of my life and priorities and compare it to a mind map of my responsibilities. I’m going to see how I can merge them a little better so I am happy and not overwhelmed.

I’m super thankful for friends and family who are there to remind me to take a nap or go out and have fun from time to time. I’m also thankful for Randy who knows when I’m feeling this way and reminds me to go to bed, eat some food and relax. I’m going to do the best I can to not let the current stress prevent me from keep up the pace of stories and connections with you here on this site. But please, bear with me. This space is precious to me… If I’m not posting as much as usual, it isn’t because I disappeared. It’s because I need to figure out a way to make sure I can keep contributing to Born Just Right without feeling stressed or overwhelmed while working on my job(s) that pay(s) some of the bills!

Six years ago Jordan came into our world and changed our perspective on what it’s like to raise a little girl. I’ve said this many times, but I’ll repeat it again. I asked the doctors if Jordan was okay after we discovered she was born with one hand… I looked up into Randy’s eyes and we both repeated that fact: “She’s going to be okay.” We both immediately knew this was true. I had more complications than Jordan did in the time after her birth.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t worry in the months after she was born.

She was the most beautiful baby from the moment she was born. People were drawn to her bright and beautiful eyes. I worried they would look away from her sweet face to gasp or say something rude about Jordan’s limb difference. I was jumpy and sensitive for her first six or seven weeks of life. Then I struggled for weeks after that trying to stop looking for people staring. I focused on my family and lived the life we live to show the staring people (if there are any, I honestly don’t look any more) that we are just like any other family.

I wish I could have told myself to let it go sooner.

If I was a new mom to a limb different baby, here are five things I wish I knew immediately after Jordan was born.

1. It’s okay to be sad. We all have an image of what our child will be like when he or she is born. We’re allowed to be sad.

2. Don’t let the sad run your life. Take the time to enjoy your sweet baby. The cuddly phase goes so fast. It’s the best… even if you’re sleep deprived.

3. Stop reading books and websites that tell you when standard developmental milestones take place. Your baby might hit those milestones differently. Also, he or she might come up with a way to meet those milestones differently. Make sure you have a team behind you: pediatrician, occupational therapist and physical therapist.

4. Reach out to the limb different community. It’s getting easier and easier to communicate with people online but the most powerful experiences are meeting other limb different kids and their families. Our first meeting was when Jordan was 32 weeks old. We haven’t stopped meeting with families since!

5. Answer questions honestly and in a positive way. The way you respond to questions in public teaches your child how to respond when he or she grow up.

I’m so proud of Jordan and how she’s growing like any other kid. She’s so excited for her birthday party later today.

I’m in Hutchinson, Kansas attending a 140 Characters Conference. Today’s topic is a collection of stories from small towns. If you like Twitter, you can see the discussion with the #140conf or #140confsmalltown. This is an opportunity for anyone to pitch an idea to speak about for 10 minutes.

My topic? How my job taught me to follow my passion. What does that mean? Well, this site has a lot to do with it all… but it all started with the career I chose. I’m a journalist and I always wanted to be a journalist who wants to make a difference in my community. Back when I started, journalism was how communities kept in touch with the information about what is going on. That has shifted dramatically as social media has made it possible for anyone to help and share information. But thanks to journalism, I’ve learned about the tools and process it takes to tell stories.

When Cameron was born, I created a geocities website about his life. Each week I’d build a new page about what he did that week so my family could keep up with him. My brother was in the Peace Corps in the Dominican Replublic, my  parents were in South Florida, my in-laws in Kentucky and brother-in-law was in St. Louis. I wanted to help them connect with our lives so they could better know little Mr. Cameron. I was using my skills from work to talk about my child… and all of his little moments.

Geocities took a lot of time so in 2004 I hit the wall. I needed something easier to publish.. so I discovered blogging. I hopped in and started telling stories from my mom perspective. My blog became a space to experiment with photographer and words and any other tools I could discover online. At that same time I was easing myself into a world of helping manage an NBC affiliate and teach at the Missouri School of Journalism. That combined world is unusual and amazing and it’s given me a chance to learn about tools and tips that I would have never had without this job. It’s how I learned about podcasting and Facebook and eventually Twitter.

Many of the social tools that help us all connect these days were my personal tools back in the day. I was helping my newsroom build a new website and that’s when I got pregnant with Jordan. I was building my tech world at the same time I added a new mom blog. I didn’t think it was fair to just add our new child into Cameron’s blog. So I launched a second one. This site was so simple back then… Just the thrill of pregnancy and expectations.

Me speaking at #140conf / Photo courtesy of @commercialscott

We launched my newsroom’s new website two weeks before Jordan was born. When she was born, my focus shifted. It really did. We didn’t know about Jordan’s limb difference until she was born. And our doctor just told us not to worry and that Jordan had Amniotic Band Syndrome… where the amniotic sac breaks down and wraps around a child’s limb. I’ve been told by experts at Shriner’s Hospital that my doctor’s assumption was probably wrong. ABS usually causes multiple limb injuries and another little detail is a tell-tale sign. She has a tiny bud on her little arm that looks like it could have become a finger if her arm had had the chance to grow. The experts say that’s a sign that Jordan had some type of blood flow loss – either her heart blipped for a moment or she had a blod clot that stopped the growth. Either way, Randy and I knew she’d be okay. We really did.

We had a new baby with a physical difference and no information. None. My hospital and the doctors didn’t really know what to do. Who can help me? What will my child need? But I felt confident. I knew I could learn and find solutions. I’m a journalist. I ask questions, I dig, I question everything.

I also had a growing use of communities on the Internet. I already had a blog about this pregnancy… and my blog had a totally new focus: Life of a child who was born with a difference. I could verbalize my struggles, her struggles… and the cultural impact of an obviously difference child.

I immediately Googled amniotic band syndrome to learn what the heck was going on. I found a Yahoo Group to ask questions. That was the first place where I could get answers from people who had experiences I needed to hear. I felt less confused. I felt a little more focused. But I lived in a small town that didn’t really know how to give us the services we needed. So using the tools I was already using for work, I was on a personal quest. Each step along that way, I blogged about it. My need to share had a purpose. I wasn’t just talking to family, I was talking to a growing number of families who understand where I’m at. My focus of delivering information to my community had grown. My community had grown from my family and where I live to the world full of families… with or without special needs.

Summer of 2007 I discovered Twitter and I started to expand my reach to moms and dad and tech geeks and journalism geeks and just really great geek geeks. I met people who helped me with my personal quest to connect and learn and I quietly would mention my Born Just Right world. I kept my journalism world separate from my mom world. I used the moniker NerdyMom for the longest time. While I continued to grow my career, my mom world was growing. I was learning about the limb difference world. I was learning about the many different ways I help my daughter grow and be a confident person.

It was only about a year and a half ago when I started to merge both of my worlds. Because really, the reason I’m working hard with my job is because I’ve used so many tools to tell the tales of my children online. It’s because I found powerful connections on the web thanks to my kids.

All that online community has allowed me to take it right back to REAL LIFE. I learned with Jordan was six months old that having a chance to meet other kids with limb differences is a powerful experience for the kids and a just as powerful experience for the parents. And you know what? Every time I have a chance to talk one-on-one with a parent through this site or in person, it feels good. It feels amazing to be able to be a part of something I am so deeply passionate about and knowing I can make a difference… One child and one parent at a time.

So I’m on a quest. To spread the word about Born Just Right. And I feel so darn lucky to do it. Without my job, I could have never had the skills to build this site and the relationships I have made online and in person. Without this experience as a special needs parent, I would never have become the journalist I am today.

I wasn’t even a mom yet when September 11th happened, but I reacted like a parent. I was crushed to see our nation change. Our comfort and ease of our lifestyle ended that day. Sure, we’re still incredibly safe. But travel and concerns changed. I was hard at work in a newsroom that day ten years ago. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. I did my job the best I could that day and cried quietly for a bit in a bathroom stall. I mourned for my unborn child. I mourned for my country. Not long after the attacks, Osama Bin Laden was quickly made by the government and media into a monster who needed to be stopped by any means necessary.

It took almost ten years. Cameron just turned nine. And last night I watched the president announce Osama Bin Laden is dead.

The campus I work at had students partying and celebrating. The scene outside the White House was jubilant. I felt a little differently. I remember 2001. I remember feeling so scared to bring a child into this world. I remember seeing my world differently. In a way, I became a parent on September 11th… It was when I really started thinking about how I would raise my child (and now children). I collected newspapers and magazines and pieces of video to share with Cameron after he was born. I haven’t shown them to him or Jordan at this point. Jordan does not even understand the concept of September 11th. Cameron and I have talked about it, but I have not sat him down and really showed him what happened that day.

This morning, I went into Cameron’s room and asked if he knew who Osama Bin Laden was. He didn’t. So I gave him a short explanation about how Bin Laden was credited as the “mastermind” behind the September 11th attacks. I told him how American military killed him yesterday and how there was an outburst of celebration all across the country while he was sleeping last night. I turned on the news before school (which I never do) to give him a little perspective before he headed off to school. Miss Jordan was confused and I tried to tell her how a person we consider a “bad guy” was killed. She thought it was sad. And really, it is. All of this is really sad. I’m sad I had to talk about any of this. I’m sad September 11th ever happened. It just churns up all of the emotions I felt when I was two months pregnant and suddenly felt like a mom. That deep sense of responsibility. It’s something I’ll never forget… And I guess in a way, I’m not ready to place that full burden on my kids just yet.

I’ll show Cameron my collection some day. Maybe soon. I’m just not sure.

I’m finally home after a week away from the family. Jordan leaped into my arms… She was so excited I was home. It’s so darn sweet and it just keeps getting sweeter.

I was about to go to bed when I found this pile of stuffed animals on my side of the bed. Jordan put them there so her dad wouldn’t feel lonely while I was away.

My sweet almost Kindergartener. I’m so sad I missed seeing her first impressions of her new school. This afternoon was “Kindergarten Roundup.” It was a day to turn in paperwork and tour the school. Jordan has an upper-hand here since her brother is currently a third grader at the same school. I asked her what she thought about it and she told me it was “neat.”

She also told me how she met a new friend who “has the same hair color and is just as tall as me.” Height is such a big deal when you’re the youngest kids in the school. She seems cautiously excited about Kindergarten. Randy says she seemed to hold it all back when she was at the round-up. Not shy, just reserved. I’m sure that will change quickly once school starts in the Fall.

I was out with the kids… and I saw someone smile at me from across the way. I smiled back because I didn’t want to be rude. A few minutes later, he comes walking over to me, says my name and how happy he is to see Jordan.

I feel so bad. I couldn’t remember his name. Terrible.

That’s the challenge of being a mom of a child who is physically different. People remember you. You may have met once, but they remember you. Being the parent of a limb different child means you’re in the public eye. I work in a television newsroom where my anchors (who are my friends) are even more a part of the public eye… But I’m in the public eye as a mom. So that means I can’t mess up. Inappropriate parenting in public with be remembered. Anonymous life does not exist if I’m hanging out with my kids. That’s just the way of life… And it makes me feel SO bad when my memory fails me and I can’t connect a name to a face. I feel doubly bad when I can’t connect the name to the face AND they remember everything about me and my kids.

Every interaction is a potential long-term relationship because I’m in the public eye.

That’s an exhausting thought… But as I’ve said to Cameron before. He and I are fortunate to be in the public eye thanks to Jordan. But when she grows up and isn’t with us all the time, we fall out of the public eye. Jordan will never avoid it. There are pros and cons to this… and I hope she’s able to remain positive as often as possible.

When Jordan was born, I often wished there was a guidebook that helped parents of limb different kids. You know, a checklist of things you can do to make sure your child is getting the care he or she needs. My friends used to joke that this blog was the beginning of a guide for parents in the future.

Now that I feel like I’ve figured out the kind of physical care Jordan needs… I find myself searching for a guidebook again. No, not a self-help book. I just wish I knew if the sibling battles, busy lifestyle and strange attitude problems from the kids are manageable. I wonder often if I’m messing up to a point where the kids will look back and say: that’s when mom really screwed us up. I know no parent is perfect… But I’m feeling a ton of doubt today.

I’m sure I’ll get back to my confident self tomorrow.

But I did try to broach peace between the kids tonight by requiring them to hold hands.

When I grew up I had a friend who did everything. She played piano, she danced, she did sports. I thought that was really cool but I never got a chance to play with her because she was always somewhere doing one of her activities. I had one thing. First it was dance, then piano, then vocal lessons. I only doubled up with activities when I also joined a children’s choir and I was in 6th grade by then. I only did one thing at a time.

I told myself that my kids would only do one thing at a time as well. That opinion changed when Jordan came into my life. I started to focus on skills and activities that could enhance Jordan’s skills. She showed a lot of interest in dance before she was two and needed to work on her balance. So when she was 2 and a half, I put her in dance. When she turned three she had a chance to take part in equestrian therapy which is really great to help build her core strength. I couldn’t say no to that. Now I’ve signed her up for four weeks of soccer. It’s 45 minutes for four Saturday mornings. It will happen while she’s taking dance and before equestrian therapy starts up for the Fall. Honestly, I’m wondering if we have to skip equestrian since I also have Jordan’s brother, Cameron, in soccer and piano… and possibly a recreational flag football team (non-competitive in every way – it focuses on skills). In total, I could end up with each kid taking part in three activities a week.

It hits a little closer to home when you see articles like these that claim I should just ignore my kids. I agree that I should put the technology away more often… but I’m not totally convinced that unstructured play is completely removed from my kids’ lives. A little bit of structure and free time seems to make sense. My kids both seem to be better behaved when they run around, especially Cameron. And I would love for them both to try different activities and see what they like the most. So far, Jordan loves dance and horses and Cameron is really enjoying piano and soccer. I want them to learn, play and participate in activities where they interact with other kids outside the structure of school. But with all the running around, will worry about articles that say I’m doing it all wrong. But to me, I feel it’s right for us.

My friends say I’m an overachiever. They’re probably right. But when I realized the running and excercise I’ve loved was leading to a lot of  extra knee pain that I’ve dealt with for years… I finally decided to get it looked at. It turns out I tore my ACL and meniscus in my left knee a long, long time ago. Possibly six years ago. Apparently I’ve picked up the running habit while using a really crummy knee. I can’t wait to try it with a healthy one.

But that will be in four to five months. Last week I had major knee surgery and now I’m seeing the world as a mommy in a little slower pace. And Jordan isn’t thrilled.

She is thrilled to return to school this week after being out of town for more than a month.

I’ve been able to pick her up from school and snag her brother from camp, make dinner… and then physically collapse. No trips to the pool, no playing in the backyard, no trying as hard as I can to refocus Jordan’s brother from his new Harry Potter Wii game… I am taking a late evening nap! Work, physical therapy, kids… I’m tired.

I’m looking forward to making a rapid return to the bending-knee world… but for now, I have even more respect for those who deal with physical challenges every day. Mine will improve and I know I’ll be back on track before December. I raise my glass of water and bottle of ibuprofen to the many people I know who never complain and always live happy and strong days.

I had an “aha” moment this week.

I talk to a lot of people I’ve never met before on a regular basis. And when my life story comes up, I mention how I have two kids and how I transitioned from a traditional newsroom manager to a web-based manager at the best of times. I switched while I was pregnant with Jordan and during her first year  in this world, I was so thankful for the flexibility of online work. I could take her to appointments and still manage oversight of my news site from home or from my phone. When I tell the story I mention how Jordan was born missing a portion of her arm. I’ve been using the word missing all the while trying to teach Jordan and her friends how Jordan was born with one hand. Why am I teaching it one way and speaking another?

I need to fix that.